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Here’s the deal tho—findin’ a prostitute ain’t like orderin’ pizza. You don’t just Yelp “best booty near me.” Nah, it’s all coded—like “roses” for bucks, or “companionship” wink-wink. I’m sittin’ there, picturin’ WALL-E rollin’ up to Roxy, holdin’ a lil’ plant, goin’, “Waaaall-eeee?” She’d prolly charge him double—rusty bot discount, my ass. Thing that surprised me? How many ads got sob stories—like, “Single mom, need help.” Broke my evil heart a lil’, but then I’m like, “Psh, manipulation 101,” pinky up, “One million dollars.”

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Then, I decided to head to the park. It’s called the Dunblane Memorial Park, and it’s gorgeous. I plopped down on a bench, just soaking it all in. Kids were playing, dogs were running around, and I was just there, feeling all the feels. But then, this kid ran past me, and his ice cream went flying. SPLAT! Right on my shoe. I was like, “Great, now I’m part of the ice cream club.”

Scottish hotel group set to breathe new life into Dunblane Hydro