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So, sexual-massage, right, it’s like—hands everywhere, proper cheeky, kneadin’ ya like dough, but sexy dough, ya get me? I heard dis mad story, swear down, back in ancient China, emperors got dese massages from like, 10 girls at once, all oiled up—imagine dat, fam! 10! I’m like, “Is it ’cos I is black?”—nah, it’s cos I ain’t no emperor, rudeboy! Makes me vexed, tho—why ain’t I gettin’ dat treatment? Capitalist pigs hoggin’ all da good rubdowns, innit.

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After that disaster, I decide to take a breather. I head down to the beach. Budleigh-Salterton’s got this stunning coastline, right? The cliffs are all red and rocky, and the sea’s glistening. I’m standing there, just trying to chill, when I see this kid flying a kite. The thing’s all over the place, and I’m thinking, “That’s gonna end badly.” And guess what? It does! The kite gets stuck in a tree. Classic.

Devon seaside town that 'people often miss out' has one of best beaches in UK