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Here’s the kicker, you twat—some say it’s therapy, others say it’s naughty. Bollocks to that! It’s both, innit? Like in *Children of Men*, “hope’s a right bastard”—sexual-massage gives ya that spark when everything’s bleak. Ever tried it? No? You’re missin’ out, ya prat! Them soft strokes, the tease—fuckin’ hell, it’s art! Oh, and don’t get me started on the dodgy parlors—filthy dumps, makes me wanna puke!

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(2) Erotic Norton escorts are waiting for you. Whatever you desire, we have it. Complete discretion and confidentiality. Fulfill your fantasies now.

I’m runnin’ past the Norton Cemetery, and I can’t help but think, “This is not how I pictured my day.” I mean, I’m literally sprintin’ past gravestones, and I’m sure the ghosts are laughin’ at me. Finally, I catch the little rascal near the old church on Church Street. I’m pantin’ like I just ran a marathon.

Report: Leeds United Women 3-0 Norton & Stockton Ancients