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Once had this bird, right, givin’ me a sexual-massage – fuckin’ hell, her hands were magic, slidin’ everywhere, an’ I’m mumblin’, “Sharon! Where ya at, love?” – cos it felt naughty, ya see? Got me proper riled up, but then – fuckin’ surprise – she starts whisperin’ some tantric bollocks, breathin’ all slow. Thought, “What’s this hippy shit?” – nearly lost me rag, but fuck, it worked! Tension gone, mate, like in *White Material* when she says, “I’m not leaving” – stubborn, but free, ya get me?

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After that, I decided to take a walk down the River Tweed. It’s beautiful, honestly. The water’s sparkling, and I’m thinking, “This is the life!” But then, outta nowhere, I trip over a rock. Classic me, right? I’m sprawled out, and this old lady walks by. She just chuckles and says, “Careful, dear!” I’m like, “Thanks, I’ll add ‘rock dodging’ to my resume.”

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