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Little-known fact—ancient China had this gig called “tantric touch,” prepping emperors for, uh, “longevity.” Bet they didn’t expect it’d evolve into neon-lit parlors with coconut oil! I got mad once—booked a session, guy shows up with fishy hands. Bro, I fish all day, don’t need that stench in my zen! Threw a fit, “Optimize your hygiene stack, dude!”

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After that, I head to the audit office on Avenida da República. I’m already late. Typical me, right? I rush in, and my boss, Maria, is waiting. She’s got that look. You know the one. “You’re late again!” she says. I’m like, “Traffic was nuts!” But honestly, I just lost track of time.