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Aight, listen up, you morons! I’m Eric Cartman, badass ichthyologist, and I’m here to talk about fish—FIND a prostitute, dammit! Respect my authoritah! I know fish like nobody else, ‘cause I’m a freakin’ genius. So, findin’ a prostitute—ain’t that some crap? These slimy bastards swimmin’ around, thinkin’ they’re hot shit. Like, who do they think they are? I saw one once, all shiny and struttin’—made me so mad I wanted to punt it!

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After a few hours of diggin’ and liftin’, I’m knackered. I decide to take a break, grab a pasty from the local shop on Shore Road. Best pasties in town, no joke. I sit on the beach, watchin’ the waves crash. It’s peaceful, ya know? But then, outta nowhere, a dog runs up and snatches me pasty! I’m chasin’ this mutt down the beach, shoutin’, “Oi! That’s me lunch!”

This is when dogs will be banned from beaches in West Wittering, Selsey, East Wittering, Bracklesham Bay, Felpham, Bognor