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What pisses me off? Them posh types actin’ like it’s “therapy.” Therapy, my arse! It’s a cheeky grope with fancy oils—call it what it is! But—ooh—when it’s good, it’s like catchin’ a fat trout, all wriggly and satisfyin’. Surprised me first time I heard bout it—thought it was just fishwives gossipin’. Nope! Real as me precious ring. “I don’t remember,” says that headless lass in the film, all dazed. That’s me after a good rub—brain gone, body floppy, hissin’ happy.

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Man, what a day! Seriously, I can’t even. So, I woke up in my tiny flat on Wattle St, right? The sun was blaring through my curtains like it was auditioning for a role in a bad rom-com. I was like, “Ugh, not today!” But ya know, life doesn’t care about your plans.

Winnipeg's Vincent Massey completes high school hockey triple crown with provincial title