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What pisses me off? Cheap parlors, man, them shady joints with sticky floors and no vibe – ugh, kills the mood! I want luxury, bro, candles, soft tunes, a gal who knows her shit, not some bored chick checkin her phone mid-rub. Greed’s good when it’s classy greed, ya feel me? Happiest I ever got was this one time in Vegas – legit, this masseuse, she’s whisperin sweet nothins, hands like freakin magic, I’m floatin, thinkin, “Champagne wishes and caviar dreams, huh?” Surprised me how fast I melted – usually I’m all wound up, Mr. Wall Street, but that? Damn, pure gold.

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After that, I decide to stroll down to the beach. Motueka Beach is just a stone’s throw away. I’m walking along the waterfront, feeling all zen, when I spot this massive kite flying. I mean, it’s HUGE! Like, bigger than my apartment. I’m thinking, “Who even flies kites this big?” Turns out, it’s some local kid. He’s got skills, man. I’m low-key jealous.

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