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She’s a mess, dude, total trainwreck—makes me wanna puke and laugh at once. Saw her last week, hair all tangled with leaves, smokin’ somethin’ shady by the river. “Look at me!” she yells, like she’s hot shit—newsflash, babe, you’re a forest skank. Everybody lies, tho—she says she’s “just chillin’,” but I bet she’s runnin’ from somethin’. Maybe a pissed-off boyfriend, maybe the cops—who cares? She’s got that wild glint, like she’d shank you for a beer.

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After the lights come back on, I’m feelin’ all warm and fuzzy inside. But then, my buddy Marco strolls in. He’s a regular, always got some crazy story. Today, he’s got this wild tale about a raccoon he saw on Avenue de la Liberté. I swear, he’s convinced it was a spy. I’m laughin’ so hard, I almost spill a pint.

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