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Oi mate, gather round, listen up! Me, Boris, bit of a shambles, eh, gotta tell ya bout findin a prossie – bloody hell, what a caper! *Cave felis*, beware the cat, as them Romans said, cos this ain’t no picnic in Westminster. Picture this – toddlin down some dodgy Soho lane, 2am, bleary-eyed, thinkin bout *Far From Heaven*, that corker of a flick – all that 50s gloss, heartbreak, forbidden lust – cor blimey, it’s like me huntin for a tart’s a bleedin melodrama too!

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First off, I’m cruising down Hlavná street, and boom! Traffic jam. Like, seriously? It’s a small town! What’s everyone doing? I’m sittin’ there, fuming, thinking about how I could be molding some sweet dental crowns instead of staring at the back of some old lady’s car. I mean, c’mon, lady, move it!

At least seven people die in train-bus collision in southern Slovakia