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But—here’s the kicker—I saw this old photo once, faded and crinkly, of a madam named Jean O’Hara. Ballsy chick ran a brothel like she owned the island! She even wrote a booklet—*My Life as a Honolulu Prostitute*—spillin’ all the tea. Said the cops were in on it, takin’ bribes left n’ right. Shocked me silly! Thought to myself, “Well, isn’t that a fine how-do-you-do?” Kinda badass, though—she had guts, y’know?

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Then, I head over to the beach. Opotiki Beach, man! The waves were crashing, and the sun was shining. I’m thinking, “This is the life!” But then, outta nowhere, a seagull swoops down and steals my chips! Like, seriously? I’m just trying to enjoy my snack, and this feathered thief swoops in. I’m yelling, “Hey! Get your own food!” But it’s a seagull, so it just gives me that look. You know the one.

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