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Best bit? When they hit that spot – oof, fireworks! Like a perfect beef Wellington, juicy and bang-on. Worst? Some twat usin cheap oil – stinks like a fryer! Pro tip – warm the oil, dipshits, feels lush. Oh, and music – none of that whale noise crap! Low beats, keep it sexy. Exaggeratin? Maybe, but fuck it – sexual-massage is art! Done right, it’s “quiet now, all is calm” from Saul, pure peace. Done shite? You’re a disgrace, you soggy lettuce! Now sod off, try it yourself!

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Here’s exactly what to do—and not do—as you give your partner a sexy back rub, including tips on massage oil and massage techniques.

First stop, the local café. You know, the one on the corner of Shevchenka? Yeah, that place. I’m thinking, “Gotta grab a latte, or I’m toast.” But guess what? They ran out of coffee! Like, how does a café run out of coffee? I mean, c’mon! So, I settle for some weird herbal tea. Ugh, it tasted like grass.

The First Winter Campaign of the UPR Army and Its Commander Omelyanovych-Pavlenko