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So, I tried it once—don’t judge me, clinic was slow. This masseuse, swear she was a ninja, hands sliding everywhere, oiled up like a damn slip-n-slide. Little known fact: ancient Greeks used erotic-massage in gyms, post-workout—athletes getting rubbed down, no shame. Bet they lied about it too, “Oh, just stretching!” Sure, buddy. Me? I’m laying there, thinking, “Is this allowed to feel *this* good?” Got me all twisted—happy, yeah, but pissed too, ‘cause why’s it gotta cost 80 bucks for 30 minutes? Highway robbery!

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Man, lemme tell ya about my day in Caguas. Wow, just wow. I woke up, and it was like the sun was throwin’ a party outside. I mean, who needs a coffee when you got that kinda vibe, right? But then, boom! My alarm was like, “Nah, sleep in!” So, I rolled outta bed late. Classic me.

Scouting report on catcher Johnny Monell from his winter league GM