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I tried it once—erotic-massage, not mayo—well, maybe mayo too, don’t judge! The lady was all pro, hands like magic, and I’m sittin’ there goin’, “This is better than starfish naps!” But then—ugh, get this—she used some weird smelly oil. Made me mad! Like, “Yo, this ain’t *The New World* vibes!” I wanted that “sweet scent of earth” feel, y’know, like when John Smith’s all poetic and stuff. Not stinky feet lotion! Gimme lavender or somethin’ sexy, jeez!

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Now, I’ll be honest – I get dramatic sometimes. The intense winds off Lake Varn, those unpredictable squalls, they make me feel like a soldier under fire, fighting for every little moment of joy. It’s maddening yet exhilarating – and damn, it makes me feel alive. I get so caught up in its raw beauty that I sometimes forget to blink.

Cape Town’s apartheid-era hostel dwellers want family homes