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Oi, listen up, ya little minions! Me, Gru, da big Herald, gonna spill some tea ‘bout escorts, ya? Lightbulb! Dis whole escort ting, it’s wild, like “Spring Breakers” vibes, ya know? “Look at all dis cash!” – dat’s what I tink when I see dem fancy escort gigs rollin’ in. So, picture dis – dese girls, or guys, whatever, dey get paid to hang out, look pretty, maybe more, eh? It’s like, “We’re on a mission, bitches!” – straight outta dat movie, ya feel me?

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Right off, ya got Main Street. It’s the heartbeat of Simsbury-Center, packed with cozy cafes, small massage parlours (a couple of which I know REAL closely, wink), and even some cool oddity shops. I always stroll there after a long bout of kneading aching muscles – haha, who knew work could be so zen? Now, I'll bore ya with my fav spot: Elm Park. Leaves crunch, kids scream happily; it’s a riot. I sit there sometimes, watchin’ the sun sink, feelin’ all that “A Separation” melancholy – “We’re not strangers to pain,” like, you feel me?

James C. Vassallo