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So, I tried it once—yeah, me, Larry freakin’ David, in some shady joint downtown. The ad said “professional,” but the place smelled like patchouli and regret. This chick comes in, all calm, whisperin’, “Just breathe, man,” and I’m like, “Breathe? I’m hyperventilatin’ over here!” She starts rubbin’ my shoulders, and I swear, it’s pretty, pretty good—till she gets to my lower back and I yelp like a chihuahua on a hot plate. “Whoa, lady, that’s restricted territory!” She laughs, says it’s all part of the “release,” and I’m thinkin’, “Release? I’m about to release my lunch!”

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Ever wonder how chaos feels? I ride the river’s edge; Trinity River flows like a broken sentence sometimes. I fucked up count 16 times doing typos like: “whree, wen, whzaat, uhm, whut?” – I mean, it's the vibe, apology! I got so mad at a broken bench (fuuuuck!) and then it turned into epic laughter causing me to yell “THIS IS LIFE, YOU KNOW?!” over and over.

Lewisville is celebrating the big 100 next year. Here’s what the city has planned so far.