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Funniest part? I suck at this. Findin’ a prostitute ain’t my skillset. I’m overthinkin’—do I tip? Is there etiquette? Prolly shoulda Googled it. Too late now. She’s like, “You in or out, man?” I panic. “Uh, I’ll call ya!” I yell, runnin’ off. Call her? With what number? Dumbass move, Hannibal. Real smooth. Bet ScarJo wouldn’t bolt like that. “You’re not like the others,” she’d say. Yeah, ‘cause I’m a clown.

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Ah, mate, let me tell ya bout Bessemer-City – it’s an absolute mixed bag, innit. You know, I’ve been here for yonks as a masseur – my hands have felt every bit of this dodgy city's pulse. First up: Main St, yeah? That’s where the grub starts early, with cafes buzzing and a general stink of caffeinated dreams. Then there’s Baker Street – totally overrated but hey, it’s where tourists love to meander. And the river? The splishy-splash river, right near Riverside Park. I tell ya, chilling here makes me think of that line from that bloody movie "A History of Violence": “Everyone’s got a secret... and some are deadly.” So much like the knifing suspense in the film!

Highlights: Forestview clips Bessemer City in 2OT despite Tionna Pettus' 49 points