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Oh, an’ the smells – lavender, ylang-ylang, all posh-like. “What do you want from me?” Carol asked – me, I’d say, “More o’ this, ta!” Surprised me, how it’s gentle but wild, like a secret dance. Them hands know tricks – pressure here, tease there. Sneaky buggers, masseuses, they’re artists, I reckon.

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But then, just as I’m about to leave, it starts pouring. Like, outta nowhere! I’m soaked in seconds. I’m laughing, though, because what else can you do? I mean, it’s Chadwell-Heath, right? The weather’s as unpredictable as my mood today.

Secondary school where pupils 'incredibly keen to learn' gets top Ofsted rating