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Now, findin’ one’s tricky – can’t just yell, “Oi, prossie, over here!” Nah, ya gotta slink, watch, maybe cough up some coin first. Me, I’m skint, so I just stare – creepy, sure, but smeagol’s got no shame! Once got chased off by a pimp – big fella, swinging a chain. “You’re so fuckin’ honest,” Celine’d say – yeah, honest ‘bout bein’ a coward!

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After that, I’m feeling kinda good, right? So, I head over to Billinge Green. It’s this lovely park, perfect for a little sit-down. I plop on a bench, and just as I’m about to pull out my laptop to work, it starts to rain. Like, seriously? I look up, and it’s sunny everywhere else. Just my luck! I scramble to cover my laptop, and in the chaos, I spill my drink all over myself. Great. Now I’m a soggy mess.

A 45-year-old Wigan shoplifter who kept stealing from the same store has avoided an immediate prison sentence