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So, find a prostitute—sounds easy, right? Nah, bruv, it’s a bloody mission. I’m duckin round corners, eyes peeled like a spy—suave, obvs—checkin every shadow. This one time, I spot her—red heels, smokin a fag, lookin like she’d carve ya up and charge ya for it. “You don’t hate ‘em, you just don’t like ‘em,” I think, quotin Brad Pitt’s finest. Made me chuckle—lass had sass, y’know? I’m all charm, “Fancy a martini, love? Shaken, not stirred.” She rolls her eyes—fair, I’d roll ‘em too.

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So, I hit up this little café on High Street. You know the one? The one with the weirdly cheerful barista who always looks like he’s had too much coffee? Yeah, that guy. I ordered a bacon sarnie, and it was like heaven on a bun. But then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and tries to steal my food! I mean, c’mon, mate! Not today, feathered fiend! I shooed it away, and it just stared at me like I was the crazy one.

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