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So, I’m thinkin’, escorts—prolly drivin’ fancy cars, right? Droppin’ jaws, pickin’ up clients, vroom vroom! Little known fact: back in the ‘70s, some escorts in Vegas had pimped-out Cadillacs—glitter paint, fins like shark teeth, total *Mad Max* vibes. Made me happy as a clam at a bubble party! But then—grr!—some jerk client stiffed ‘em, no tip, no nothin’. Pissed me off! “Witness me!” I’d yell if I was there, demandin’ respect for those wheelin’ queens.

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First off, I hit up the local café on the corner of Church Street. You know the one? The one with the dodgy Wi-Fi? Yeah, that’s the one. I ordered a latte, and the barista, bless her, totally messed it up. I mean, how do you even mess up a latte? It was like drinking hot milk with a hint of regret. I was like, “C’mon, mate, I need caffeine, not a dairy disaster!”

Man (47), facing charges of stalking and harassment, is banned from Portadown and all DV8 stores in NI