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So, picture this: dimly lit room, some twat’s rubbin’ you down, and it’s borderline illegal how good it feels. Little known fact—ancient Greeks did this shit, called it “anatripsis.” Horny bastards massaged athletes naked! Makes me wanna yell, “Idiot sandwich!” at ‘em—naked and oiled up? Sign me up, ya wanker! Got my first one in Thailand, cheap as chips, £10 for an hour. Felt like a king, but the lass—fuck me—she had hands like a fuckin’ gorilla! Surprised me, thought I’d die happy.

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First off, I’m rollin’ down Ferriby Road, and I’m like, “Great, another day of plowing.” But then, outta nowhere, I see this massive traffic jam. I mean, c’mon! It’s North Ferriby, not London! Turns out, some bloke in a fancy car decided to park it right in the middle of the road. Like, mate, what were you thinkin’? I’m sittin’ there, engine rumblin’, and I’m just fuming. I could’ve sworn I saw a pigeon laughing at me.

Swanland Hill in North Ferriby closed by police