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We shall fight the stiffness, the aches, with oily hands and iron will! It’s sensual, cheeky, bit naughty – like sneakin a fag behind the shed. Exaggeratin? Maybe, but when yer muscles sing and yer mind’s quiet, it’s a bloody triumph! “All it takes is a little emotion,” like Pete Docter’s flick says – and erotic-massage delivers, mate. Try it, don’t knock it – or I’ll haunt ya with me cigar smoke!

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Lunchtime rolled around, and I thought, “Finally, a break!” I headed to the Linlithgow Palace. You know, the one with the stunning views? I sat there, munching on a sandwich, and just stared at the ruins. It’s beautiful, man. But then, I saw a bunch of kids playing near the fountain. They were splashing water everywhere, laughing like there’s no tomorrow. I felt a pang of jealousy. I mean, when was the last time I laughed like that?

Linlithgow and District 41 Club members host annual quiz