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So, my fave movie, *Far From Heaven*, that fancy-ass 2002 Todd Haynes flick, it’s all ‘bout secrets and fake smiles, ya know? Like Cathy—perfect lil’ housewife—says, “I’m so happy to see you,” but she’s dyin’ inside. That’s prostitutes for ya! Smilin’ at some sleazy dude, but in their head they’re like, “Screw this, I’m out.” I bet they’re masters at hidin’ shit, just like Cathy hid her man’s gay vibes. Respect my authoritah, I see through that crap!

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Finally, I made it to the prison, and it was chaos. Absolute chaos. Some inmate decided it was a good idea to start a fight in the yard. Like, really? You’re in prison, mate! What’s the point? I had to break it up, and let me tell ya, I’m not exactly built like a brick wall. But I got in there, shouting like a madman. “Oi! Enough of that!”

Larbert High pupil helps make Team GB taekwondo history as he becomes European champion