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Still, it ain’t all roses. Gets me fumin’ when blokes lie – “6 foot, fit,” then you rock up and he’s 5’2” with a beer gut. “You’re not gonna die, stop cryin’!” I wanna yell, like Bigelow’s boys. Truth is, sex-dating’s a gamble – half the time you’re chuffed, half the time you’re stuck with a numpty who thinks “foreplay” is a quick grope. Oh, and don’t get me started on the dick pics – unsolicited cock shots everywhere! Bin it, lads, no one’s impressed.

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First ride of the day, I’m thinkin’ it’s gonna be chill. But nah, this lady storms in, all flustered. She’s got this massive dog with her. I mean, HUGE. Like, I’m pretty sure it could eat my lunch and still be hungry. She’s like, “Hold the door!” and I’m like, “Lady, it’s an elevator, not a bus!” But I hit the button, and in comes this beast. I’m squished between a dog and a very stressed-out woman.

Brighton & Hove Albion vs West Ham United: Premier League report