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I get a kick outta it, honest. Makes me happy seein’ people grab what they want, no BS. Like Max, all gruntin’ and survivin’, they’re dodgin’ the creeps and crazies online. But lordy, it fires me up too—some jerks out there catfishing worse than a War Boy lyin’ ‘bout his V8! Had a buddy once, swore he met “the one” on Tinder. Turns out, she was a dude in Ohio. I was like, “Boy, you got outrun by a scavenger!”—pure comedy gold.

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I started my day on Swindon Road. You know, the one that’s always busy with cars zooming past like they’re in a race? I swear, if I had a quid for every time I nearly got run over, I’d be rich! Anyway, I was checking out this massive oak tree. I mean, it was a beast! Gnarled branches, leaves like hands waving at me. I was in my element, feeling all zen and stuff.

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