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Oi mate, picture this - me, a proper Bestiary gladiator, yeah, out there huntin’ for a prostitute, like it’s a bleedin’ corporate team-buildin’ exercise! Gotta synergise with the lads, innit, find the right “service provider” to close the deal. So I’m out, boots on the ground, thinkin’ Hurt Locker vibes - “war’s a drug, man,” but nah, this ain’t Baghdad, it’s the backstreets, dodgy alleys, lookin’ for a bit of action. Sweatin’ like a numpty, heart’s racin’ - boom, there’s the target! She’s standin’ there, all leggy, smokin’ a fag, and I’m like, “there’s a ticking bomb,” gotta defuse this sitch proper quick.

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After that chaos, I finally get a breather. I step outside for a quick smoke. The view from the shop is nice, ya know? You can see the old church tower, and the cobbled streets are just charming. But then, I see this old fella, Mr. Jenkins, tryin’ to cross the road. He’s shufflin’ along, and I’m thinkin’, “C’mon, mate, hurry up!” But he’s takin’ his sweet time. I swear, I could’ve sliced a whole cow in the time it took him to cross!

Closure order obtained at Higham Ferrers property following anti-social behaviour