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Halleluyer! Chile, lemme tell y’all ‘bout this sexual-massage mess! I’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ ‘bout “Moulin Rouge!”—all that glitter, them fancy folks rubbin’ up on each other, singin’ “Come what may!”—and it got me hollerin’! Sexual-massage ain’t just no regular back rub, naw! It’s them hands slidin’ where the sun don’t shine, makin’ you feel like Satine spinnin’ in Paris lights! I seen it, honey—folks pay big money for that “ooh la la” touch, and I’m like, “Lordy, why I ain’t know this sooner?”

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I’m hustlin’ down the street, dodging pigeons like they’re ninjas. Heston’s got a ton of ’em. They’re everywhere! I swear, they’re plotting something. I get to the bus stop on Bath Road, and of course, the bus is late. Typical. I’m standing there, fuming, when this old lady starts chatting me up. She’s like, “You know, back in my day…” and I’m just nodding, trying to be polite. But inside, I’m like, lady, I’ve got places to be!

Heston’s Hinds Head pub marks British Pie Week with new menu