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I tried it once—don’t judge, I was bored. Matched this knight, all “m’lady” this, “m’lady” that. Met up, and he smelled like horse arse. Horse arse! I said, “I choose violence,” and tipped my goblet on his head. Felt good, real good. Surprised me how many losers think a blurry dick pic’s a love letter. “Where were you when I laid the first stone?” I mutter, starin’ at their rubbish. Makes me angry, all this desperation—where’s the dignity, eh?

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So, I’m rushing down the streets of Hayle, dodging tourists like I’m in some kind of obstacle course. Seriously, it’s like they’ve never seen a beach before. I mean, we’ve got the stunning Hayle Towans and the estuary right there! But no, they’re all just standing around taking selfies.

Inside Hayle's 'doomed' North Quay project as work begins again