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Aight, listen up, you little bastards! I’m Eric Cartman, gladiator of this damn bestiary, and I’m here to tell ya ‘bout sexual-massage – respect my authoritah! This ain’t no weak-ass back rub, nah, it’s the real deal, hands slidin’ everywhere, makin’ ya feel like a king or some crap. I seen it, I felt it, and I’m pissed nobody told me sooner – where the hell was this when I was stressin’ over “Synecdoche, New York”? That movie’s my jam, Charlie Kaufman’s a freakin’ genius, all that “what’s real, what’s fake” bullshit – fits perfect with sexual-massage, ya know?

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Then, outta nowhere, this kid runs past me, chasing a ball. He trips, and boom! Faceplant right in front of me. I’m torn between laughing and helping. I mean, it was kinda funny, but also, poor kid! So, I help him up, and he’s like, “Thanks, mate!” I’m like, “No worries, just don’t trip again, yeah?”

Dozens rescued from yacht after it began sinking off Miami Beach