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So, anyway—me, Gollum, I’m sneaky, seein’ what normies miss. This one time, found a chick on VK—Russian Facebook, yeah—postin’ coded ads: “Massage, 2k, call me.” Massage my arse! Hiss! Rang her up, met in some dingy flat—smelled like borscht and regret. She was quick, tho—no chit-chat, just biz. “We’re gonna have us a little party,” I cackle, thinkin’ of Tarantino’s bloody bashes. Paid her, done, out—felt like a spy, precious! Exaggeratin’? Maybe—but it’s Russia, everythin’s a damn drama.

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After the match, I’m walking back, still buzzing. I take a stroll down Giffnock’s main street, and it’s all lit up. The shops, the people, the vibe. It’s like a scene from a movie. I stop by a wee bakery, and the smell of fresh pastries hits me. I can’t resist. I grab a couple of sausage rolls. Best decision ever.

Bus driver, 24, charged following fatal Giffnock road crash where pensioner died at scene