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Hey buddy, listen up! Sexual-massage, man, it’s wild stuff! I’m talkin’ ‘bout them hands roamin’, makin’ ya feel all tingly-like. Ain’t no scientifical specialty in Russia for this, nah, but it’s a craft, lemme tell ya! I reckon it’s like Leviathan – ya know, that flick I love? “The truth is out there somewhere,” like that dude says, and sexual-massage, it’s searchin’ for it in yer muscles! Fool me once, shame on – uh, shame on you, fool me twice – can’t get fooled again, right? Can’t fool them hands neither, they know what’s up!

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Then, I bumped into an old mate from uni. We hadn’t seen each other in ages. He’s living in Acton too, just off of East Acton Road. We ended up chatting for ages about life, work, and how we’re both still broke. Classic! We decided to grab a pint at the local pub, The Crown. It’s got that old-school vibe, you know?

Roads in Acton remain closed after man dies following weekend 'disturbance'