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Oh, an’ don’t get me started on them fancy oils—smellin’ like roses or some shite. I’m thinkin’, “Gimme fishy stink any day!” but nah, they slather ya in it, an’ yer glowin’ like a bleedin’ elf. Exaggeratin’? Maybe! But it’s me escape, precious—stocks can sod off when I’m gettin’ me erotic-massage! Wot’s yer take, eh? Ya tried it, or ya too busy chasin’ hobbitses? Tell me quick, or I’ll sulk in me cave! Gollum, out!

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So, I’m tryin’ to help him out, right? And then, boom! The door swings open. It’s Mrs. Thompson from down the street. She’s got this massive bag of shoes. “I need these fixed by tomorrow!” she says, all dramatic-like. I’m thinkin’, lady, I’m a shoemaker, not a magician! But I smile and nod. Gotta keep the customers happy, ya know?

1,000 British jobs supported by deal to bolster fleet of sub-hunting helicopters