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Anyways, I tried Bumble—surprised me big time. This chick, Lisa, all flirty, says, “Let’s meet, big boy.” I’m happier’n a pig in mud! We vibe, it’s chill, like *The Assassin*—all slow buildup. “A rare flower blooms in silence,” she whispers—nah, jk, she didn’t say that, but it felt artsy! We hooked up, tho—score! Mmm… donuts. Pro tip: don’t mention donuts on dates. Weirds ‘em out.

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I’m laughing it off, but then I see this old lady. She’s got this fierce look, like she’s seen some stuff. She’s feeding the ducks at the pond by the windmill. I’m thinking, “Wow, she’s living her best life.” I ask her about the ducks, and she goes off on this rant about how they’re all spoiled. I’m like, “Lady, they’re ducks. Chill.” But I love her spirit!

Michael Cheek ends fine campaign with a brace in Bromley’s win over Cheltenham