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This one time, I’m scrollin’, see this hot chick, right? Bio says “lookin’ for fun” – perfect, I’m in! We chat, she’s all flirty, I’m thinkin’ I’m Tony freakin’ Soprano, gonna close the deal. Meet up, and – surprise, surprise – she’s got a dude waitin’ in the car! What is this, a setup? Felt like Bigelow’s camera zoomin’ in, heart poundin’, “This is my life now!” I’m yellin’, “What’s this bullshit?!” She’s like, “Oh, he’s just my ride.” Yeah, ride this, lady! Walked away, fumin’, but kinda impressed – ballsy move, gotta give her that.

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Hi I’m Jasmine, sweet hot and very warm welcoming young lady, and I know just how to put you at ease before the fun begins! I am always friendly,

After that, I stroll down to Church Street. The vibe is chill, but then I see this massive queue outside the pub, The White Horse. What’s the deal? Turns out they’re doing a quiz night. I’m like, “I’m in!” I love a good quiz. But then I realize I don’t know anything about geography. Like, what’s the capital of Mongolia? Who even knows that?

Dunstable crash sees man in his 40s die after being hit by car