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Now, tie this to *The Turin Horse*, right – that flick’s bleak, slow as a dead horse draggin, and I love it. “The wind’s blowin fierce,” like the old man says, and I’m sittin there, gettin this sexual-massage, thinkin – life’s just this, ain’t it? Grind, then a weird rubdown. Little known fact – them old sailors, back in port, they’d get these “special massages” from dockside gals, traded fish for a feel, kept it hush-hush. History’s kinky, yo!

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I am a very daring masseuse who is a bit shy. I can book you an appointment 24 hours a day, I perform all the services.

After a bit of a meltdown, I decide to take a breather. I head over to the beach at Dunoon’s waterfront. The sand’s all nice, and I just sit there, tryin’ to chill. But then, I see a kid buildin’ a sandcastle. And I’m thinkin’, “Man, I wish I could be that carefree.”

Dunoon set to become Scotland’s next adventure tourism hotspot - DNG Online Limited