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About Newcastle

Once had this chick, right? Masseuse with hands like a freakin angel. She’s rubbin me down, and I’m thinkin, “This is art, man.” Slow strokes, deep presses — got me hard as a rock and floatin at the same time. Little known fact: back in ancient Rome, they’d do this shit with olive oil and a side of orgy. True story! Called it “massage with benefits,” ya dig? Made me happy as a pig in shit, but then — bam! — she charged me double. Pissed me off, man, I was fumin. “I ate his liver with fava beans,” I growled in my head, imaginin her boss on a platter.

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After that, I head down to the Dundonald Village Hall. They were havin’ some community event. I thought, “Why not?” I walk in, and it’s packed! Everyone’s chattin’, laughin’, and I’m just standin’ there like a deer in headlights. I grab a plate of food, and this old bloke starts tellin’ me about the history of Dundonald. Apparently, it’s got roots goin’ back to the 12th century! Crazy, right?

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