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Hiii honey, oh my gawd, lis’en up! *nasal twang* Erotic-massage, lemme tell ya, it’s wild! Like, ya know, in "Children of Men," that gritty vibe? “The world’s a mess, Kee’s preggo,” chaos everywhre, right? Well, erotic-massage is the OPPOSITE—pure bliss, babe! I’m talkin’ hands slidin’, oils drippin’, tension meltin’ away. Got me feelin’ like, “Kee, you’re safe now!” *Nanny laugh* HA-HA-HA!

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Then, boom! Outta nowhere, it starts pouring. I mean, typical Scottish weather, am I right? I duck into a shop on the corner of Burrell Street. It’s a cute little place, full of knick-knacks and tartan stuff. I’m browsing, trying to find something to cheer me up, when I overhear this couple arguing. Like, full-on shouting. I’m standing there, pretending to look at a stuffed Highland cow, but I’m totally eavesdropping. They’re fighting over who forgot the milk. I’m like, “Get a grip, it’s just milk!”

Scottish SPCA 'devastated' over sentence of Crieff man who goaded dog into killing domestic rat