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Oi, mate, it’s me, Tyrion Lannister—yep, the witty dwarf who drinks and knows things. So, here I am, your bloody Mountain Guide, trudging through peaks and valleys, and you wanna talk sexual-massage? Ha! I’ve seen weirder shit atop these cliffs, trust me. Picture this: sweaty hands, oiled-up backs, and me sipping wine, judging it all. Reminds me of *Far From Heaven*—you know, my fave flick, Todd Haynes, 2002. That line, “I’m going to have a party,” hits different when you’re kneading someone’s arse, right?

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But wait, it gets better. I’m sitting there, enjoying my drink, when I see this street performer. He’s juggling flaming torches! I’m like, “What the heck?!” The crowd’s going wild. I’m laughing, clapping, and then—whoops! One of the torches goes flying! It nearly hits this poor bloke at the next table. He jumps up, spilling his drink everywhere. Classic!

FOOTBALL - Droitwich Spa leave it late to see off Chipping Sodbury