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Oh, and the weirdos! Met this one gal, obsessed with feet—kept askin’ for toe pics. Toe pics! I’m like, “What is this, a fetish buffet?” Laughed my ass off, but also—ew, no thanks! Still, beats sittin’ home alone, right? Like Carol says, “I don’t wanna feel alone anymore.” Sex-dating’s my cure—sometimes works, sometimes flops.

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As I’m closing up, I get one last call. A parrot is stuck in a tree on Riverside. A parrot! I’m like, “Seriously?!” But I can’t say no. So, I grab my gear and head out. When I get there, the parrot is squawking like it’s auditioning for a musical. I climb up, and after a bit of a struggle, I manage to get it down. The owner is over the moon, and I’m just relieved I didn’t fall out of the tree.

Brand-new housing development set to launch this spring