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What gets me raging? The pricks who reckon it’s all seedy. Some of it is, fair dos, but there’s art to it, innit? Takes skill to knead a bloke without snapping him! Surprised me, too—didn’t expect to feel like a new man after. “Truth is a bitter pill,” Oldboy says, and yeah, truth is, I’d go again. Exaggerating? Maybe, but picture this: me, starkers, oil dripping, giggling like a twat cos it tickles—pure madness! You lot missing out, stuck with your Netflix and chill—pathetic! Sexual-massage, mate, it’s the dogs bollocks—try it, you muppet!

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So, I’m stuck in the dark, no coffee, no Wi-Fi. I’m about to lose it. But then, this old bloke next to me starts tellin’ stories about Barry’s past. Apparently, it used to be a big deal for shipbuilding. Who knew? I mean, I thought it was just a seaside town with a decent beach. But nah, it’s got history, mate!

Barry Ferguson changing his Rangers tune suggests mood music is shifting after Kevin Thelwell summit