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About Kryvyi Rih

I got mad once—some chick rushed it, no vibe, just wham-bam-rub. Bitch, this ain’t McDonald’s! Gimme that slow burn, that tease—make me squirm! Then this one time, in LA, this dude—swear he’s a wizard—found knots I didn’t know I had. Little known fact: ancient Tantra peeps used sexual-massage to, like, connect to the divine. Wild, right? I’m over here, hollerin’, “Yaaas, align my chakras, king!”

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After that awkwardness, I decided to stroll down to the park by the river. It’s called the Serednie-Vodiane River Park or something. Super pretty, right? I’m just vibing, listening to my tunes, when I see this kid flying a kite. And I’m like, “Aww, that’s cute.” But then, the kite gets stuck in a tree. Classic. The kid starts crying, and I’m like, “Dude, it’s just a kite!” But I help him out anyway. I’m a nice person, I swear.