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Alright, listen up, folks! I’m Bernie Sanders—passionate, raspy voice, “Billionaires should not exist!”—and I’m here to spill the beans on sex-dating. Ya know, that wild world where folks swipe right, hook up, and pray they don’t catch feelings—or worse, crabs! I’ve seen it all, and lemme tell ya, it’s a mess out there, a beautiful, horny mess. Reminds me of my fave flick, *Shame*—Steve McQueen, 2011, ya gotta see it. That film? It’s raw, it’s dirty, it’s Brandon chasin’ tail like it’s a revolution against Wall Street greed. “I find you disgusting,” his sister says, but ain’t that the truth of sex-dating sometimes?

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Anyway, I keep walking, and I see this street performer. He’s playing the accordion, and honestly, it’s kinda catchy. I’m tapping my foot, feeling the vibe. Then, outta nowhere, this pigeon swoops down and lands on my shoulder! I freak out! Like, “Get off me, bird!” Everyone’s laughing, and I’m just standing there, flapping my arms like a maniac.

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