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Oi mate, gather round, lemme ramble—findin’ a prostitute, eh? Blimey, what a caper! Picture this, Zero Dark Thirty style—me, Boris, skulkin’ through London’s dodgy bits, huntin’ for intel like Jessica Chastain, but instead of bin Laden, it’s a lass for hire. “The night is dark,” I mutter, channellin’ that film’s grit, “and full of terrors—cor, where’s she at?”

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First thing, I’m mixing dough for my famous пиріжки. You know, the ones that make people stop in their tracks on Kropyvnytskoho Street? Yeah, those. But guess what? I run outta yeast! Like, seriously? Who runs outta yeast? So, I dash over to the local store on Shevchenka Street. It’s still dark, and I’m half-asleep, tripping over my own feet.

Explosions at Russian storage point and barracks in occupied Luhansk Oblast