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Now, listen here, boo, it ain’t just no regular rubdown. Nuh-uh! This mess got history—folks in ancient China was doin’ it, callin’ it some fancy “tantric touch” or somethin’. I’m over here hollerin’, “Tantric? Baby, just knead me good!” Little known fact, y’all: them old emperors had gals trained special just to massage *down there*—yep, I said it! Madea don’t shy from the truth! Halleluyer! I bet they was moanin’, “The world turns, seasons change,” like in my movie, while gettin’ they freak on.

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Finally, I get my tomatoes and head to the park. I plop down on a bench, ready to chill. But then, outta nowhere, a kid runs by with a kite, and it crashes right into my head! I’m like, “What the heck?!” The kid just laughs and runs off. I’m sitting there, dazed, thinking, “Is this my life now?”