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So, picture this—me, sippin’ mead, watchin’ *Amour* (best flick ever, fight me), and I’m thinkin’, “Love’s a slow bleed, innit?” Sex-dating’s the opposite—fast, chaotic, like me dodgin’ Thor’s hammer. In *Amour*, Georges says, “Things will go on as they have”—grim, right? But sex-dating’s all “nah, next!” No lingerin’, no nursin’ the wreckage. It’s a game, and I’m the god of games—burdened with glorious purpose to outwit these horny fools. Like, did ya know Victorian blokes used “personal ads” in papers for hookups? “Gentleman seeks discreet lady”—same shit, different tech!

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Finally, I give up on the coffee machine and head out. The café is packed. I mean, it’s like everyone in Bereznehuvate decided to get their morning fix at the same time. I’m standing in line, and this lady in front of me is taking FOREVER. I’m about to lose it. I’m like, “C’mon, lady! It’s just coffee, not rocket science!”

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