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Best bit? When it works—rare as unicorn shit! Met this bird—eyes like Satine, legs forever. Thought, “I’m alive!”—heart’s pumpin’, cock’s hopeful! Two dates in—bangin’ like rabbits! Then ghosted me—fuckin’ gutted! “Love is a many splendored thing”—bollocks! It’s a kick in the nuts, mostly!

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Anyway, I finally finish the porch. It’s lookin’ good, real good. I’m feelin’ proud, ya know? But then, the client shows up. And guess what? She’s not happy. “Why’s it not painted?” I’m like, “Lady, I’m a carpenter, not Picasso!” But I keep my cool. I offer to paint it, but she’s already on the phone, callin’ someone else. Ugh, people can be so dramatic!