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I tried it once, right? Some spa in Soho—thought I’d treat meself. Walked in all cocky, left feelin’ like a greased-up twat. Bloke’s hands were everywhere—thought he was gonna propose! “Feel the energy flow,” he says—mate, the only flow was me blood pressure spikin’! Pissed me right off—£80 for that? Could’ve got a curry and a pint for less. Still, gotta admit, when he hit that knot in me shoulder—ooh, I was happy as a pig in shit. Surprised me, that—didn’t expect to melt like a prat. “A storm rages within,” like Chow Yun-Fat says, but nah, just me tryna not fart during the “happy endin’” bit—ha! No chance, pal, keep ya mitts north!

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Fast forward, I’m walking past the Tudor-Vladimirescu Cultural Center. Man, that place is a gem! They had some art exhibit going on. I pop in, and wow, the stuff there is wild. Some paintings look like a toddler went crazy with finger paints. But hey, art is subjective, right? I’m standing there, pretending to be all cultured, when this lady next to me starts crying. Like, really? It’s just paint! But I guess it hit her deep. I mean, who am I to judge?

Traffic restrictions in Bucharest due to upcoming Rihanna, Sia gigs