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Oi, precious, listen up! Me, Gollum, loves a good tale, but sexual-massage? We hates it! Slimy hands all over, ugh, nasty! Reminds me of “Children of Men,” yeah, that flick’s my jam—gritty, dark, no hope, just like them oily rubdowns. Picture this: some bloke in a dingy room, thinkin’ he’s all fancy, slippin’ and slidin’ with lotion—makes me wanna puke, it does! “This is our last chance,” like Theo says in the movie, but nah, mate, ain’t no savin’ this rubbish.

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Then, I’m walking down Strada Unirii, and outta nowhere, this kid on a bike zooms past me. Almost took me out! I mean, chill, dude! It’s not a racetrack! I yell something like, “Watch it, Speed Racer!” He just laughs and keeps going. Kids these days, right?

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