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But yo, what pisses me off? Them posh spas chargin’ a gazillion quid for it! Is it ‘cos I is black they think I can’t afford it? Nah, mate, I’d rather get me mate Dave to sort me out with some coconut oil and a dodgy playlist – sorted! Little fact tho, them Tantric lot, they reckon it’s spiritual, like you’re unlockin’ your soul or summat. Bollocks, I say, but it feels bangin’ so who cares?

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Then, outta nowhere, the lead singer jumps off the stage and starts dancing with me! I’m like, “Is this real life?” We’re both laughing, and I forget all about the jam-stealing dog and my boss’s annoying call.